What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm getting married
To pizza
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
