I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
