im six kinds of drunk right now
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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