oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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