so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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