She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
