Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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