I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
