His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize