i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
