and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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