Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
