I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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