I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
