11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
