the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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