Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
