Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
