ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
