You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
false alarm, still single
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