I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
