I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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