First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
