Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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