my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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