There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
