my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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