Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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