Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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