I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
