his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize