Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
