im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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