I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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