Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
