Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
