he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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