I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
