Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I can't turn off my feet"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
