There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
