Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
