She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
