the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
A+ Viking dick
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
