Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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