'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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