All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize