all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
