i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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