woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize