The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
