just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
