I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
