I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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