First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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