i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
