Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
