A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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