I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
