I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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