My friends, they love my intelligence
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
