dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
