Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
