We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
