WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
