The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
