As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize