Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
